RE: File describing different sub-species of ATM's (humor)?

["Bryan Greer" <bgreer@fpi-protostar.com>]

Greg Granville wrote:
> Many months ago, someone posted a file here (maybe it was on
> sci.astro.amaetur) that listed about 10 variants of the species know as
> "Amateur Telescope Makers". It was quite funny, and I thought it might make
> a funny conclusion to an upcoming talk I'm giving on ATM'ing at local Star
> Party.
> If anyone has that file, or knows who wrote it - please let me know. (Better
> yet - repost it!)
>
> ~~~
> Greg Granville  Applied Research Lab - PSU 


Hello Greg,
I believe this is what you are looking for.  It is Val Germann's infamous "Field 
Guide to the ATMs".  I enjoyed it too (BTW, where is Val these days?).

Enjoy,
Bryan Greer
Columbus OH


Field Guide To The ATMs --

Val Germann
Central Missouri Astronomical Association

I came across this back in the musty old stacks of the MU library annex, in the
"Unknown Edition" of ATM-1:

Scientific Name: Amatis Telescopis.
Common Name: Amateur Telescope Maker (and others, not printable).
Status: Not rare, but not common.  Some say endangered.
Range: Worldwide, highest concentration in North America, W. Europe.
Description: The Amateur Telescope Maker is usually male, has a technical occupation
and belongs to an astronomy flock of one kind or another.  Rather drab in
coloration, the ATM spends a lot of time out of the sun, which does not help. 
Oddly, many ATMs make and acquire large numbers of telescopes and then never use
them!

Subspecies:

1) THE NOVICE: The reproduction methods of ATMs are as yet unstudied but THE NOVICE
is involved, somehow, since he is by far the youngest, on average.  Given to pocket
protectors. Call: "Hey, guys, what the heck is going on here?"  Many ATM flocks
encourage and nourish THE NOVICE while others all but drive him away.  Exactly why
is not known.

2) THE FREE SPIRIT: Largely a western North American ATM, this fellow furiously
attacks any project, attempting to finish it yesterday. Call: "Let's do this 20-inch
by lunch!"

3) THE GAMER: Found world-wide, this fellow is highly competitive and territorial. 
Constantly compares his nest, er, telescope, to those of other ATMs. Call: "Well,
this is pretty good but you ought to see the one I have at home!"

4) THE WORRYWORT: Fairly common among ATMs, this fellow is excessively concerned
about minutia that might go wrong, the polar opposite of 2) above. Call: "Gee, I
touched the surface with my finger!  Do I have to go back to fine grinding?"

5) THE TECHNOCRAT: Also common, this guy rates all products of other ATMs strictly
on difficulty of execution and complexity.  Has a chartered 18-wheeler for his
telescope and accessories. Call: "But is that polar axis double-shot-peened AND
hardened?"

6) THE DWEEB: Comes in two sub-sub species, namely, with and without talent. 
Neither have any social skills and are totally self-absorbed.  They will tell you
everything about themselves if you let them, including things about their fantasy
lives. Call: "Do you guys have the same trouble getting girls I do?"

7) THE PRETENDER: Like the cowbird, who lays her eggs in the nests of other birds,
this subspecies pretends to be an ATM but has never actually done anything, in hope
of gaining some perceived self-esteem with little effort.  If combined with elements
of 6) above, this fellow can wreak havoc on ATM flocks, sending them scattering in
all directions. Call: "Hey, have any of you guys ever figured a Schmidt corrector
during an earthquake."  Thought by many to be on the increase worldwide.

8) THE SNOB: Rates all ATM products according to whether or not they resemble what
he currently is using, which is either the current "hot" item or something difficult
to make.  Puts down other types of instruments even though the chances are small
that what he has actually works real well. Call: "Well, I suppose you have to have
SOMETHING if you can't have an XXXX."

9) TECHNOCRAT + WORRYWORT: Never gets anything done, but it is very, very
complicated.  Call: "Boy, just wait until I get this double-reversed
Schmidt/Houghton underwater corrector finished!"

10) TECHNOCRAT + SNOB: Some think this bird, with his colorful and elaborate
plumage, and beautiful telescope, is the height of the ATM species.  Others think
him an overblown windbag with delusions of grandeur. Call: "My way or the highway."

End quote --

VG